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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.